Now You See

I know you talk to him on the phone,
Are you going to your next mans house
Yea, I know you
What one of your men calling you
I know you up talking to men not your sister
Yea right I know you im not stupid
You cant play me, You take me for a fool


Who him?
I dont talk to anyone other than you, my mom and sister and bill collecters
lol please you wish im going home from work
home work church thats the only places you see me
No you think you do, that isnt me
Do you want to see my phone bill your number is the only number on there
My phone doesnt ring unless you call I can give you my phone for a week and youll see
You are!, Whatever your thinking is so far from the truth
Whats wrong with you, thats not me
Only God knows and sees all, When God comes ill be so happy for you to see the truth
.... I still care about you.


Back and forth  for no reason. ALL my love was only for you but the fight for no reason tore it down made the love turn into pain, I was in a war just you and I trying to show you, It was all for you.

.... Now the war has ended. both sides have casualties. Both sides have lost the war.
Q.W

I cut my phone. literally no one calls it other than you and collectors. You wont be calling anymore so no need to waste money every month paying for something i don't use.

Wrong Side of Love

Where were you when I needed a friend?
Thought I could be strong
Never knew I’d be so wrong
A heart-breaker most of my life
Suddenly all changed
The moment you left me
And walked out my life

I tried to play cool
But instead I was playing myself
What you gotta know about me
Is that I'm dying in this lonely hell

And I don’t wanna be without you
Cause I can hardly breathe without you
This is what it feels to be the one
Who’s standin’ left behind
How did I become the wrong side of the love song?

Baby, I’m a mess
Out of every piece and part of me
You were always the best
But instead I was leaving you here alone
But I didn’t mean it,
No, I didn’t mean it
Now I’m begging, baby, come home

And you got me singing why,
Why you wanna make me cry?
I’ll be thinking ’bout you
Got me dreaming ’bout you
Every single day and night

And I don’t wanna be without you
Cause I can hardly breathe without you
This is what it feels to be the one
Who’s standin’ left behind
How did I become the wrong side of the love song?

How, baby?
Wanna know why?
Can you tell me, why?
Said that you’ll be there for me
Said you’ll care for me
So now you're gonna say goodbye

And I don’t wanna be without you
Cause I can hardly breathe without you
This is what it feels to be the one
Who’s standin’ left behind
How did I become the wrong side of the love song?

Why, why?
Why!? Why?! Why?! Oh oh oh need you oh
I really, really need you now, I really really need you now
I really, really need you now, I really really need you now, boy
Oh, baby, baby, please

 - Melani Fiona

Q.W ... its only been about you, Always has. Another person that you speak of has never existed it was all a mistake. It was a facade. Made for my protection. .... but it wasnt needed.

Crazy

Crazy I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
Crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then some day
You'd leave me for somebody new

Worry
Why do I let myself worry?
Wondering
What in the world did I do?

crazy,
For thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying
And crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you

Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying
And crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving You

 - Patsy Cline

Q.W

Goodbye,

Today I decided to leave my life behind, the meaning to my smile, the reason for my happiness. My love, my one and only. My everything. Its been two months since he left and we've been trying /... Ive been trying. to get things back. But since he left his heart just like before has been closed. closed to anything that has ever hurt him, and now i have..

I guess im giving up. it hurts. everyday fighting for my breath. My heart hurts, my eyes can no longer drown in tears, my life is drained, I give up. I love you and always will but i keep hurting myself trying to hold on knowing your gone. Letting you go is only going to hurt me but i know time will heal so im starting now. before it gets to late, before i find out theres a her, before a thought of a name. I love you and always will but I love myself more. So i know i deserve to smile, i know my smile should belong to someone who cherishes it. i know that its not supposed to hurt this much, for so long.

I'm sorry for everything i did, im so sorry you'll never know how sorry i am. 

.... Im foolish for loving a man that has no heart to love its own love.

In love with a stranger, In love with my imagination.
Sorry.
I wish you the best.
Q.W

Love and Hurt on a Two Pan Balance

If I love you and you know that I do,  that I'd take a bullet for you. ...Does it matter.

You have my heart and I'd do anything just to show you I'd never hurt you again.
I'd give you the world all because you stole my heart.

I love you.


If I hurt you "played" you and hurt you. If I made a mistake and would give anything to turn back the time. I said sorry a thousand times, I cried to ease the pain I felt. I hurt you and myself.

Im sorry I hurt you.

If I love you and I hurt you and myself, If I love you and promise never to hurt you again, If I love you but made a mistake...

Could you ever forgive me? Would you ever forgive me?
Would you hold it against me if I could promise to love you for the rest of your life?

Does it balance out? .... Does the love over power what I've already done?

All I know is that I love you and even though the hurt hurts it shouldn't kill the love that's forever.
Like I've said before...
I'm sorry, I miss you & I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Maybe we can begin a new.?

Deleted! I want you

Whew! after giving out my number and regretting it immediately I found a way to remove that person from ever calling or msging me. Thank the Lord above in Heaven!!!

I still consider you mine so this work leave has come to an end im starting back work next week so i can make my money and go back to how things were when I met you, in school, living alone, and working and somehow doing it on only savings and the money i was making. No assistance Just providing for myself. Time for you to relax and I'll work the 12 to 14 hour shift and take care of my baby lol.

Crazy Im not, Just want what is rightfully mine back so yea I may seem a little crazy due to the things I say and do but oh well.

All I know is I put my name on it! So don't be taking no numbers, staying up past 10:30 talking; got me wonder who the hell you talking to.


If your ass is snooping then my ass can be crazy. Its only fair :)

Only you, I Want

I really am trying to leave you alone but for some reason the more I try to forget you the harder my love for you hits me. I keep telling myself I'm moving past it and I'm going back to the old me but truth is I can't. I refuse to let you leave me. If i have to fight and look crazy then so be it. If i have to do the craziest things to get you back its okay because if it works, looking back I'll smile knowing I fought to keep what was mine.

I'm confused... as much as I want you, I'm trying to move on. Something is telling me you won't be back but something is also telling me keep trying you never know.

Today I gave my number to some guy and Lord knows I felt a sharp pain in my soul, I just wanted to black out and drop to my knees and start crying. Maybe it was the shock of reality knowing that maybe this is how it may be... I'll have to move on and meet other people give my number out to someone who's not you. I wanted to tell him i was talking to someone but my mind told me no, what if you don't come back maybe this is the way to go. I gave him the number and I wish I didn't because even if you don't come back I'm realizing that I need some time to reminisce and to think about all that happened. I need sometime to make peace and my heart needs the time to stop feeling for you.

It sucks that it took what happened and your crazy snooping ass for me to really understand the meaning in everything you've said.

All this love waiting just for you so don't pass it up cause you'll regret it boo, I'll be patiently waiting to hear from you, girl you got to be the one you have to be the one.

all the quotes finally makes sense.

to bad I was too caught up with insecurities now I'm in battle with myself to get you back next to me.

.... Boy you are the one, yea you are the one.

Only you can make this world seem bright only you can make the darkness bright, only you and you alone can thrill me like you do and fill my heart with love for only youuuuuuuuuuuuu!


secretly i think you've put a spell on me I haven't been so crazy ever.

I love my crazy!

Boy you IZ CRAZY! oh my gosh where you come from? You must be psychic telling me all these things but whatever Im not tripping, Im crazy and if I had the time I would be doing the same crazy shit your doing. Id be just as "Smart" as you. Im crazy certified by the doctors so your crazy doesnt bother me. I f anything it excites me! lol Im weird I know. But its okay I love my crazy, Id be just as crazy for you.

(just getting my thoughts out nothing to emotional)

.....
I dont know what to expect most likely another song to shade me out and make me feel horrible but that wont stop me. I put a stamp on it and as much as Im trying to let you go, I just cant. So bring it on deuces, all this love, .... whats next?

Whatever you say my response will always be, Never keeping secrets, I care about you, I wanna know...

#Fight for what you love.

back and forth love goes

Back to last .... December

December before I met you, When I only loved myself. Sitting at home by myself, studying, working and sleeping. I know its my fault only .... understood.
Taking myself back to before ever knowing you. Before the thought of you being with anyone else.
No more memories, calls, plans, no more feelings.

if it was only that easy.

#lis4suckas

Return to Sender

A box on the doorstep marked return to sender. You sent it in an envelope so why has it been returned in a large box. You sent an invitation about 8 months ago and i quickly rejected i sent the envelope back many times without opening it. I didn't want to be bothered. Each time i sent it back you sent it right back just as quickly. You amused the brick wall the mail box was on. I finally opened the envelope and the lengthy invitation read hi, :) I would like to get to know you. I huffed and rolled my eyes, throwing the invitation on the driveway ground. Away with that, I wont be fooled another trickster, but not this time I wont offer my self up for hurt. As I turned around to leave the memory behind there it was again in front of me again. on the table and opened so I can see the words clearly. I threw it in the garbage but as i turned there it was again. I burned it and flushed it down the toilet and when i turned a smirk appeared on my face I had won the battle it was gone.

Sleep so sweet, I was happy. I was alone but had all the happiness and riches in the world because I was alone with God. I didnt need anyone nor did I want anyone. I been there done that and I didnt think it was capable. I was hurt and robbed and could only feel a love and happieness for myself. A few months ago I left my heart somewhere. Last time i remembered it was in love, and both his and my heart were happy but somehow things didnt work out he took my heart and shot it, he stood over it while every last pint of blood flowed out, I was close to death laying there I needed a way out. I crawled on my hands and knees and dragged myself out. I only survived because I left my heart behind to die. The toll it had on my body was none without it I coulnt feel hurt, or saddness. I was happy with my life. With no heart you cannot feel.

As I rolled in peace. I heared a crunching under neath me. I got up to see what it was, ... the envelope once again. I laughed this time and placed it on the table. As days went by more words would appear on this letter. Showing an interest for me to attend this /////.

What a persistent mother fucker I said with a smirk and evil in my eyes. I knew if I took him up on his offer I would only go to kill him. I couldnt love, without a heart. I had an empty space and even when I tried it gave me a feeling of utter disgust.

Each day welcomed a different smirk till one day I laughed. I laughed, you made me laugh. Anyone who could make me laugh without a heart deserves a formal meet and greet.

I sent the envelope back with a short reply.
There you were infront of me all smiles like you had seen someone special. I felt bad I had nothing to give. But I decided to meet you again. In between our //// i began to smile everytime you called and would often think about you and laugh. It took a while for me to realize I began to like you. By the time I realized there was no turning back. I cared about you, from where I didnt know. I wanted to be around you when you werent near the things I felt and wanted, I would never tell. I left my heart where my last love had killed it so I couldnt trust you because I didnt know if you came to kill me to. Whatever you wanted I wanst to sure, maybe you just wanted sex, maybe a friend, whatever it was no matter how I felt about you I couldnt trust you. Wrong, I know it was but after what I went through no matter what I had to protect myself.

Trying to protect myself from what I think it going to happen. Falling deep into your heart. I couldnt hlp myself. What would I do when you decided you no longer wanted to be by my side, left to cry never again. I made things complicated. I had to find someone or someones to talk to to take my mind off of you i didnt want to like you but here i was i needed to get a back up before you backed up out the door. Talking to other guys but for the life of me I couldnt remember their name All i wanted was you but did you feel the same?

In my bed we layed down, I asked the wuestion that was eating away at me. ... How do feel about me? You said you really care about me and your falling for me hard. I was happy to hear it but I rolled my eyes and turned the other way what a fucking liar sure after sex youll say anything i dont even know if your who you say you are guys really think their smart and girls are stupid so im supposed to be all giggily and just give you whatever you wnat now right. My mind was saying all these things and never for a second did it stop and say maybe what he said is true.

Insecurities I guess, My mind went on a rampange "if he really thinks hes gonna use me hell no.. let me find someone else to talk to. I should of stayed by my damn self with no one in my life.

It was to late though I had already started to love you and thats why I was so mad, I didnt realize what you had done. I thought I would never have the feelign again but you can and put love back inside, you gave me a new heart. I loved you that was the only thing that mattered, If only you could show me you cared and you werent liieng. I couldnt let go of my insecrities though I let you hurt me a dozen times. I loved you,
but my actions drove you away, you gave me love and i played back up.

What I feared was finally playing out you were walking out the door.

So there i was sending you invitations to come back because I cared but just like I threw them out you did too. I had no other choice to send you the box. I sat around with this pain and love wondering if youd come back. I know I still care and want you beside me. Nothing and no one else mattered. But my insecurities.... I made mistakes. you left.

A box on your step ... so familar to you but why is in a box. you sent the invitation in a small envelop. the smile you sent in the envelop bloomed over time into the love that i have for you. I cant sit around feeling this way so Im sending the love you gave, the laugh, the smile, the tears all back.
Return to sender.
Q.W

I cannot tell you, only the world

       I've known you for only 6 to 7 months and I've never felt this way so soon. When I see you and try to say it my lips are instantly glued together, not a word can be formed though, I know exactly what I want to say. The title can not be anymore true because, I can not say it to you but I've told many .... and once again I'll tell them. I Love Him. & When you read this you'll know finally, that I do Love you. Q.W.

the kill

I want you to cry, feel the tears slipping down your face so fast you have to wonder if your really crying

I want you to feel your pain, aching so hard you compare it to death

I want you to clench you hand look at your veins bursting out you skin trying to catch a breath

I want you to tie the rope around your neck feel the agonizing pain; what happens when no air goes to your brain

I want you to feel the headache, say you would rather be shot with a bullet through the temple of your brain

Feel the pain my love, feel the pain with a simple smile i say

I want you to feel the blood rushing through like you've been decapitated and its all pouring out

STOP i look worried .. please don't die so quickly (on me don't leave me here alone)

feel the blood slowing trickling from you heart into your eyes

feel the blood leaving your heart, and picture a child running away from home.

Feel my love

feel my breath against your body

ill whisper quietly

feel your pain?

and you answer YES I FEEL THE PAIN! id rather die.

i whisper again ever so softly my love, remember my name ... i look into your eyes like your my newborn child. i gently caress your face. while i whisper feel your pain?

while tears flow down your face u cry without making a noise but then you scream I FEEL THE PAIN! i calmly say shhh..

i take your hand and guide it to my heart and ask how does my love feel

and you ... pause in understanding and shock with a gaze into my eyes and you say

............the same

..... with your eyes wide open there is silence for a moment before you take a breath and say

............as my pain.

My love has felt my pain so now i must let him go no need to keep him in vain he has seen the marks from my nails upon my face. he sees why my eyes are red and can only see pain. He has felt my love and so he felt my pain. Now he knows never to come back because my love will not mend his (broken)heart it will kill (it) again.

Now that I've saved him from me.... who shall save me( from killing again?)

- A.W

Might as well be a Dope Fiend

Might as well be a dope fiend; take it as it’s said. No place to live, thinking about drugs and things that God knows aren't made for sale. Might as well be a drug fiend kicked out living on my own since 17 in and out  of shelters and strangers houses. I’m looking for something to help me get my way out of this nothing.

I might as well be a dope fiend thinking bout prostitution seems it’s the only way I could get money and keep a roof over my head and some dollar store soup in my cupboards. Only got that fast life in gear one and I can’t see past gear two which is selling crack. Don’t care if I get caught because nobody cares about what I’m thinking to do or been through.

You see my mom left me when I was only a few months old she had already decided my life and my personality. She left me so she could travel and party not thinking about what kind of life she left for me. My mom left me with a stranger someone I didn’t know. They raised me but beat me with everything they had for reasons that had no meaning. I never felt loved from a human being so I took those beatings and understood them as love. Seem like every beating was right even when I was sleeping. 

Police came in one day and took me away from that loving I know put me in a home I never knew; new faces to me but they knew me all along, aunt and uncle one happy broken family. Sitting on the step looking into the living room four individuals with the letter J made me feel like I had nowhere to stay, though they provided shelter and food but there was no loving for me there. Who was I and where was my home? They took me in but they too didn’t care they were a torn family and I was the rain that made their already torn paper soggy. Found out soon there was no place for me and if it came to it everyone was chosen above me when they said it bluntly. They sent me away back and forth seeing new faces with open arms but closed minds and hearts it was all a play and I was the lead star. Every few months I went on the road to another town to do the same play nothing ever changed in the script but the cast was always new. No one cared once they got paid. They got that child tax money and went on their way.

So I might as well be a dope fiend sell this soul to the bidder that has that rent money I need. Sell this body to the highest bidder who can put some groceries in my fridge, give it all to the one who can give me that buy what I want money cause I already got my rent paid so I can buy what I want … but it becomes buy what I need because I already sold my body shot up my veins and now I’m hiding from myself cause I see the pain. Now I gotta buy the best make up and clothes to make me look brand new, to make others look at me and have a first impression of she looks good, she got money, she must be living good, most importantly … she looks happy; somebody cares.

I might as well be a drug fiend shoot my vain up with some happiness forget about the prostitution and how I had to get the shelter and food and all the nice material things. Shoot up my veins so I don’t think about the ones who God put here to care for me and how they left me broken in the dumpster, Not think about the people who don’t give one damn about me but  give me that money to provide for myself, I don’t want to be sober it’ll leave me to think those are the ones who care.

So I Might as well be a dope fiend I've already been raped under my mother’s care, I've been sexually abused under my aunts care. So why not become a dope fiend and fire up my veins with something that will make it seem like these people care even if it’s just for the moment.

If I sell this face, lips, breast, pussy and ass ain't nothing in my life going to be different it’s all been done before without my decision.

I might as well be a drug fiend die from a over dose or die from prostitution trying to get that over dose. Body chopped up in a bag found off the coast of somewhere. No leads of a missing person cause nobody noticed I wasn’t there. Nobody cared so I might as well be a drug fiend. Why struggle when everything I need is right there. Might as well be a dope fiend because sometimes I think not even God cares. Might as well be a dope fiend because my life has brought me here, I Might as well be a Dope Fiend because dope is the only thing that may care.

I’ve been on welfare when I was 17, I had my little affair with the drug and gun game. I did a lot of things and each time turn away, but still I sit here today saying Might as well be a drug fiend.

Some may wonder why I am not a drug fiend ……

You see I would be but every time I put my hand out to get that first piece of ecstasy that would take me way down so far I won’t be able to come back up the only word I see is God. I got a conscience and I feel like if I do it God won’t forgive me, God will leave me even though I feel he has already left me. I know that even though I feel that God has forgotten I still reminisce about him … I still remember him. So that must mean that he still remembers me, cause if he’s the God of all Gods and he knows and sees it all. In those times when I’m reaching out for what seems maybe my last hope if the only word I see is God then he must see me and hear me, And I can’t be a dope fiend even though my life done brought me to be one. Sometimes I feel like we were all pushed by the government to be prostitutes and thugs but we have to be strong because (it takes a day to become a prostitute but to get a legal job is so much struggle ) even though these men say you ,might as well be a dope fiend Gods saying you might as well be a queen. You've already survived all that! You can’t be a dope fiend.