Might as well be a Dope Fiend

Might as well be a dope fiend; take it as it’s said. No place to live, thinking about drugs and things that God knows aren't made for sale. Might as well be a drug fiend kicked out living on my own since 17 in and out  of shelters and strangers houses. I’m looking for something to help me get my way out of this nothing.

I might as well be a dope fiend thinking bout prostitution seems it’s the only way I could get money and keep a roof over my head and some dollar store soup in my cupboards. Only got that fast life in gear one and I can’t see past gear two which is selling crack. Don’t care if I get caught because nobody cares about what I’m thinking to do or been through.

You see my mom left me when I was only a few months old she had already decided my life and my personality. She left me so she could travel and party not thinking about what kind of life she left for me. My mom left me with a stranger someone I didn’t know. They raised me but beat me with everything they had for reasons that had no meaning. I never felt loved from a human being so I took those beatings and understood them as love. Seem like every beating was right even when I was sleeping. 

Police came in one day and took me away from that loving I know put me in a home I never knew; new faces to me but they knew me all along, aunt and uncle one happy broken family. Sitting on the step looking into the living room four individuals with the letter J made me feel like I had nowhere to stay, though they provided shelter and food but there was no loving for me there. Who was I and where was my home? They took me in but they too didn’t care they were a torn family and I was the rain that made their already torn paper soggy. Found out soon there was no place for me and if it came to it everyone was chosen above me when they said it bluntly. They sent me away back and forth seeing new faces with open arms but closed minds and hearts it was all a play and I was the lead star. Every few months I went on the road to another town to do the same play nothing ever changed in the script but the cast was always new. No one cared once they got paid. They got that child tax money and went on their way.

So I might as well be a dope fiend sell this soul to the bidder that has that rent money I need. Sell this body to the highest bidder who can put some groceries in my fridge, give it all to the one who can give me that buy what I want money cause I already got my rent paid so I can buy what I want … but it becomes buy what I need because I already sold my body shot up my veins and now I’m hiding from myself cause I see the pain. Now I gotta buy the best make up and clothes to make me look brand new, to make others look at me and have a first impression of she looks good, she got money, she must be living good, most importantly … she looks happy; somebody cares.

I might as well be a drug fiend shoot my vain up with some happiness forget about the prostitution and how I had to get the shelter and food and all the nice material things. Shoot up my veins so I don’t think about the ones who God put here to care for me and how they left me broken in the dumpster, Not think about the people who don’t give one damn about me but  give me that money to provide for myself, I don’t want to be sober it’ll leave me to think those are the ones who care.

So I Might as well be a dope fiend I've already been raped under my mother’s care, I've been sexually abused under my aunts care. So why not become a dope fiend and fire up my veins with something that will make it seem like these people care even if it’s just for the moment.

If I sell this face, lips, breast, pussy and ass ain't nothing in my life going to be different it’s all been done before without my decision.

I might as well be a drug fiend die from a over dose or die from prostitution trying to get that over dose. Body chopped up in a bag found off the coast of somewhere. No leads of a missing person cause nobody noticed I wasn’t there. Nobody cared so I might as well be a drug fiend. Why struggle when everything I need is right there. Might as well be a dope fiend because sometimes I think not even God cares. Might as well be a dope fiend because my life has brought me here, I Might as well be a Dope Fiend because dope is the only thing that may care.

I’ve been on welfare when I was 17, I had my little affair with the drug and gun game. I did a lot of things and each time turn away, but still I sit here today saying Might as well be a drug fiend.

Some may wonder why I am not a drug fiend ……

You see I would be but every time I put my hand out to get that first piece of ecstasy that would take me way down so far I won’t be able to come back up the only word I see is God. I got a conscience and I feel like if I do it God won’t forgive me, God will leave me even though I feel he has already left me. I know that even though I feel that God has forgotten I still reminisce about him … I still remember him. So that must mean that he still remembers me, cause if he’s the God of all Gods and he knows and sees it all. In those times when I’m reaching out for what seems maybe my last hope if the only word I see is God then he must see me and hear me, And I can’t be a dope fiend even though my life done brought me to be one. Sometimes I feel like we were all pushed by the government to be prostitutes and thugs but we have to be strong because (it takes a day to become a prostitute but to get a legal job is so much struggle ) even though these men say you ,might as well be a dope fiend Gods saying you might as well be a queen. You've already survived all that! You can’t be a dope fiend.